It’s always this time of year that makes the past come crashing down on me. I start to think… what was I doing last Christmas?

I don’t remember. I know that I was sober even though I didn’t want to be. I was proud of myself for making it through it, but after that I was just a ticking clock.

This Christmas? I’ll be sober and I don’t want to be. How do I keep the clock from from ticking? How do I keep the bomb from going off?

I hate this holiday. It scares the hell out of me.

As I was thinking to myself, “Why am I so unhappy?” I realized Drew had just told me I was lazy.

In LA I was so busy. I worked 40 hours a week. Spent 3 hours at a meeting every night. Late night Swingers trips and coffee with my friends. Watching movies with Olivia. Flirting with boys. I hardly had time to breathe, I was always moving.

“Were you happy?” Drew asked.

No. I was miserable. Every second. Every night my heart felt like a slug getting slaughtered by slow and torturous salt. I cried myself to sleep every time.

Now, I don’t do anything. No job. Occasional meetings. I don’t chase the boys and the boys don’t chase me. Friends are limited so I’m not usually hanging out with them. I do nothing. I rot on a couch.

“Are you happy?” Drew asked.

No. I am miserable. Every second. Every morning my heart feels like it had turned into ice overnight and the heavy breath of waking up cracked it into a million pieces. I cry myself awake every day.

“Balance,” Drew says. He says it’s what life is all about. “Find the happy medium.”

I laughed and looked out the window. “I guess I’m just an all or nothing kind of girl.”

But this is such a gray area for me.

I’m not alive. And the world won’t let me die. Heroin addict. Stone cold sober. It doesn’t matter. There is something so much darker and more subtle lurking in me. I used to think it was a spiritual parasite. Now I’m beginning to think it’s just me. I am the parasite. I am that dark thing that haunts me.